wannabe bandit

and today i found myself in the library

my hands shaped like little guns

saying pew pew pew as i walked

and flicking my thumbs

like triggers.

miss diana

a couple of months ago, i found an old diana camera at my grandma's house. for years the grandkids have been using it as the toy camera. so i snatched it and took the following. at first the hot pink light leak was disappointing, but now i think it's kinda my favorite part.

sir edmund hillary

sunday naps

wedding

a sunday excursion

notes on LOVE: day 10 | best friends & blanket forts

this week we (meaning me, rebecca, courtney, and meredith) have decided to be best friends.

here is what we have done:

• eaten omelets
• gone to kneaders for their french toast
• eaten lots of cadbury creme eggs, m&m cookies, reeses bunnies,
• had a valentine's party
• gone to a catered dinner and symposium
• sang a lot of songs
• cut one boy's hair (it was a combined effort)
• giggled about padlock t-shirts, sweatpants, typewriters....what haven't we giggled about. nothing.
• watched lots of office and pushing daisies episodes
• gone to d.i. of course
• been to a cougarettes concert
• had two sleepovers
• watched this video prolly forty times:

• and most importantly, built this amazing blanket fort:

here's what you need to know about Fort: it is constructed of three sheets (all of which are color coordinated) and one lava lava (which is black). structurally, it is supported by an iron cord, two hooks, and one very long vacuum cord. it is really quite a feat of modern blanket-fort-building technologies. a perfect composite of household appliances and domestic linens.

we are currently welcoming new members into Fort. for full initiation rites, please contribute one sheet to the efforts. this will give you full visiting privileges and sleepover invitations (but only if you're a girl).

*special thanks to nathan (not a girl, but still awesome), without whom we could not have built Fort:

notes on LOVE: day 9 | and you thought these LOVE posts were going to end after valentine's day

silly you! february is the month of LOVE! (and i still have more to share on the topic, so the LOVE posts will continue...at least for a few more weeks.)

today i was cleaning out my computer. ACTUALLY cleaning it out. yearly i have this ritual of pretending i'm cleaning out my computer that usually only amounts to me watching several really great movies, blog surfing, editing photos, and so forth, but not actually cleaning anything.

well today it happened. mostly because a window popped up that said: "your startup disk is full. clean out your computer or die."

i really hand no choice in the matter.

anyways.

whilst cleaning, i found this little gem i'd forgotten about. i made it for my wonderful friend pyper about our summer teaching english in american samoa. i've been thinking about those islands a lot lately, and so i thought i'd share the love:

(music: "iuliana" by te vaka)

notes on LOVE: day 8 | valentine's love letters

a-hem.

dear red rosette necklace,

you were the perfect accessory for valentine's day. i love you for that.

dear safety pins,

i really appreciate that you were so cooperative this morning in securing a ribbon to my red rosette necklace. you make my life so much easier by not insisting that i handsew everything.

dear cute boy who said hi to me today on the way to campus,

i was walking up the ramp, you were walking home. you were wearing a gray and white striped sweater. your hair was parted handsomely. i think if one of us would have had the guts to stop and talk to a complete stranger (namely me (for you) and you (for me)), then maybe we would have found out we could be in love. and then it would have been me for you and you for me, like that beautiful ee cummings poem.

dear weather,

i love you today. today you made me feel like home. i wanted to be with you all day and when i had to leave you to go inside, i missed you oh so badly.

dear man who thinks i write poems about him,

you are hilarious. please will you be my valentine? check yes or no.

dear photography,

estoy enamorada. in a way only spanish can express.

dear reporters & miss stephanie,

thank you thank you for not sending me any assignments to do tonight, so i could go and sit on the lawn in front of the maeser building and enjoy the sun going down. thank you for sending me home early so i don't have to be in the newsroom by myself on valentine's.

dear brandon,

the fondu you brought was truly inspired.

dear dinner group,

even when we mess up, we rock the house. it felt good to be reunited after the three days without you. it is for reasons like this:

that i love you. individually, collectively, and conceptually.

dear valentine's day,

i love that i can use words like "charming" and "adore" on this day. and i love that all day i contemplated confessing love to various people in my life. that is a wonderful way to spend a day.

love, love, love,

me.

notes on LOVE: day 7 | things i don't like

things i don't like:

1) when people insist on carrying on conversations via text. seriously people?

2) having to call people back. which maybe is why people feel like they have to contact me via text? (sorry world.)

that's all i have to complain about today.

in other news:

1) favorite roommate quote from the day: "you know what i want to find? i want to find a soulmate, the way michael and holly on the office are soulmates! they were like, MADE for each other in the universe!"

2) tomorrow is valentine's day! as such, i have compiled a list of the songs that feel like falling in love. here they are for your listening/viewing enjoyment:

especially listen to the beginning of this one:

what songs for you feel like falling in love?

notes on LOVE: day 6 | to the happiest little dinner group

SCENE: TAKE ONE:

it's thursday night, 6:30. . . you're tired, your feet hurt, you haven't socialized for a good 23 hours, and your stomach is growling.

you have spaghetti noodles and some canned green beans in your cupboard.

you die.

alone.

SCENE: TAKE TWO

it's thursday night, 6:30. . . you're tired, your feet hurt, you haven't socialized for a good 23 hours, and your stomach is growling.

and then you get the text.

the text that saves your life! dinner group will be at 6:45 tonight. (dare i say that 6:45 is our favorite time of day, every day?)

my dinner group is the happiest dinner group family in all of utah county.

there is nathan, whose witty repartee is the source of many-a-dinnertime laugh. also, he's french. in heart, at least. which means everything he does smacks of brilliance. nathan looks kind of like this: (exactly like this, actually. this is his face.)

there is courtney, who, speaking of dinnertime laughs, could make any man fall in love with her with the sparkle of her giggle. i'm not exaggerating.

alec's handsome outfits each night add a real element of class to our dinners. not to mention if he went on iron chef, he would win, what with his invented recipes and all.

bennett has a scar down the middle of his face that is kind of a secret. . .which means it's cooler, and it means he's TOUGH. also, bennett never stops smiling, which means if you show up irritable to d-group (which sometimes happens after 5pm), you can't stay irritable long. for example:

rebecca is the best at remembering the funny goings-on from her day. translation: conversation at dinner group is always colorful and hilarious with her anecdotes about professors, students, men who live in vans, jimmer fredette, and so forth.

my favorite thing about meredith is that she is always up for adventure/playing games/shoving people off cliffs/watching movies. you know, the stuff i like to do after dinner group.

oh and then there's tucker. tuck-tuck as he prefers to be called (smirk). tucker, who makes things like chicken with pesto-mushroom cream sauce and acts like we aren't all dying over how good the food is.

this list does not begin to do justice to each of these people,

or to the amazing food we enjoy each night at their hands.

to sum up.

last night, about the cornbread-chili fusion alec invented, someone said, "you're the inspiration," to which, of course, nathan and i started singing chicago. then, meredith pointed at tucker, who was wearing a tie-dyed shirt with CHICAGO emblazoned across the front.

fate? yes.

fate that we have all ended up in the same dinner group? yes.

...we love us and so you see,

we are a happy family!

notes on LOVE: day 5 | i love this yes i do

notes on LOVE: day 4 | the special stare

this post doesn't have some cosmic moral at the end. this post is not to point out some beautiful aspect of love in our everyday lives that we overlook. this post is merely and just to say that couples who do the special stare creep me out.

i shall explain. freshman year there was a girl who lived on my same floor. she had a boyfriend in the ward. every night, they could be found standing at the top of the stairs, facing each other and holding each other's hands, STARING at each other. that's it. no talking. no giggling. no smiling. no looks of meaningful flirtation. no looks of even meaningless flirtation, just staring! for hours. we called it the special stare. special because we'd never seen anything like it. special because clearly this was a special moment for them (special despite it happening EVERY NIGHT). special because kind of it made us want to throw up a little.

now, these special stare couples are not just on the doorsteps of freshmen dorms.

oh no.

they are eeeeverywhere.

you know who i'm talking about:

the couples who you find sitting on the floor against a wall, the girl staring off into space, the boy scratching her back or stroking her hair meaningfully.

special stare couple usually look frighteningly like siblings (but not in an "oh that's cute" way.)

they usually both look serious as death.

we're talking this-is-the-last-moment-we'll-ever-have-together serious.

and yet neither one seems like they want to look at the other...both just kind of stare off into the distance: most commonly the girl is looking out in front of her while the boy ponders meaningfully at his back-scratching hand.

and yet, despite all this moroseness, they are never talking! serious as death, but never talking to each other about what they are so serious about!

it kind of reminds me of this movie:

and so i'm thrust into imagining the scenario that would prompt such meaningful silence:

1. they both said "jinx!" at the same time, but he got to "10!" before she did and he's refusing to say her name.
2. maybe they don't speak the same language and they're contemplating whether this is enough of a deal breaker to warrant "goodbye". or "adios", you know, depending.
3. he's writing messages to her on her back and she's trying to figure out what he's writing.
4. he's writing insults to her on her back and she's figured out what he's writing (which would explain her somber disposition).
5. they secretly are siblings, separated at birth, but they're in love, and thus they must live out their days contemplating their lives alone because they can't get married.

but seriously--WHAT ARE YOU SO SERIOUS ABOUT!?!

SANS WORDS,

SANS A SMILE,

oh for pete's sake.

if your love is that monumental,

go paint a mural

or dance in a park

or giggle yourselves to sleep.

: celebrate!

because your special stares are freakin creeping me out.

notes on LOVE: day 3 | to a certain gentleman who i got to meet

he wasn't the first person i saw when i walked in.

the first person i saw was a guy in a yellow&black plaid shirt,

sitting on an arm rest, surrounded by girls.

but he was aloof and wandering, between walls and hands holding styrofoam cups.

i smiled at him.

(mostly because i almost ran into him wheedling my way to the kitchen,

--but also because he was handsome.)

handsome.

a marked man.

he made tentative motions toward the door,

lightfooted it seemed,

like there was nothing too heavy(heavy like a flourless chocolate cake)

to keep his feet planted.

he looked like he might float away.

and when he stood beside me, us each baked in concentric circles of conversation, he brushed my arm (accident?) twice (no accident.)

concentric-->adjacent

he dressed like he walked off a street in paris and into this party,

[a disjunction,

anatopism,

an outrigger canoe in the middle of the Salt Flats.]

this party,

its navyblue hoodies and polo tee's

against his tweed,

and collar,

and tie.

the tie.

he wore a tie to a birthday party.

and when i folded myself into the armchair,

i found his arm on the rest

and a smile on the rest.

notes on LOVE: day 2 | to my books

some nights the words won't let me go to sleep. they come rapping on my head until i'm out of bed, 12:55 in the morning, tapping on.

four and a half bookshelves full of books, you haunt me. so this one's to you:

entitled:

books are people too.

OR

the intimacy of books

i started thinking what would happen if all our photo albums and journals were replaced with online equivalents,

and we began living in a bookless world.

more convenient,

more space,

faster.

would our relationships go the same way?

so that all our interactions were via the web?

it'd be more convenient.

it'd save space.

speedy.

but there is a certain kind of affection that only happens in holding someone in your hands.

just as there is a certain kind of affection in holding a book.

notes on LOVE: day 1

"i have come to test the timber of my heart" (hymn #101, joe pug)

i would like to say a word or two about love.

no time or energy that you spend loving someone is wasted.

no matter if they don't love you back.

no matter if they're busy loving someone else.

not even if they don't even know you exist.

because when you love someone, you learn what love is.

you learn how to love.

you learn what it feels like

and who it makes you want to become

and you build a store(y) of ideas and places and conversations and hopes

of things you want to share with them.

and sharing is always a good thing.

the motion of loving is never futile.

so do not worry that your loving is damaging you.

it's the shriveling that you need to worry about

--the holding your heart so close to your chest--

because loving someone means your heart is open

your life is open

to letting someone come in

and become part of you.

and when you open you like that,

because you are busy loving someone,

then when the right someone does come around

you've done a good job of making sure you're ready

because of all this time you've spent spending your love.

even heartbreak is useful,

heartbreak is just a way to carve out a space big enough inside

so that you have room to hold

all the people you have loved along the way,

all your stories,

all your wisdom,

and all that much happiness

when the someone you love loves you too.

that's what i say.