Thursday, September 13, 2012

On Fear and Faith and Living a Life that Isn't At All What You'd Planned


I am here, utterly and sublimely happy, with some beautiful news:

I have been called to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'll leave in February and will serve for 18 months. (You can read about what a mission is here.)

Oh...

and I'm going to France...Southern France to be precise. (!!!!!!!!!!!) Southern France to learn French, and to eat crepes, and to serve the God I love.

This thing is so beautiful to me that I can hardly think about it.

This mission may come as a shock to a lot of people. I'm 26 ("old" for girl-missionary standards), I am just finishing my graduate degree, and I'm dating like a million guys (joke. I'm not.). In seriousness though, I've kept it pretty quiet, this decision to go. But it's actually been in the works for quite some time now--"officially" since March, but secretly (meaning heaven only knew about it, not even me) for quite some years. So when I finally decided to go, I kept these things close, and thought about them, and prayed about them, and felt the kind of peace that only comes when you are making the best decision you have ever made in your life.

So I want to share some of the thoughts I've had in this process. Maybe it will help someone who is making a similar decision. Mostly I share this, though, because it is beautiful to me, and I want you people that I love to know about it.


....................How I Decided to Go....................
I resisted going on a mission for a really long time. It wasn't in my life plan for myself. I'd never had any desire to serve. In fact, I'd go as far as to say I had anti-desire to serve a mission. Growing up, I remember some of my friends would talk about how much they wanted to be missionaries, and I remember thinking, "Please don't let that be what happens in my life." (This may or may not have everything to do with the fact that I have control-issues when it comes to my life plan. This also has to do with a mean little thing we call pride.)

I recognize that this aversion is a bit strange. I love the message of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love studying my religion and talking about it with others and teaching it. All the sweetest moments and truths in my life have come because of this gospel, because of my faith. It is who I am. So naturally you'd think I'd be readyreadyready to apply to serve a mission as soon as I turned 21.

And yet I had no desire to. I just felt like it wasn't something I wanted or needed to do.

But again and again the feeling would come, almost naggingly, that I needed to be open to serving a mission. And again and again, I'd smother it with thoughts that I didn't need to, that it was my choice, that what I really wanted to do was get married, etc., etc., etc.

But I felt that there was something out of place in my life, that there was a greater happiness that was eluding me because I was holding back parts of myself, that there was some purpose that I wasn't yet filling. So I decided to face it.

I knew that because I'd already decided that I wasn't going to go, my prayers inquiring what God wanted me to do were getting me nowhere. I knew that I would only be able to get clear direction from God once I could honestly say in my heart that I was willing to go if that's the answer I got.

And then came one of the biggest battles thus far in the inner-life of Carolyn: getting my stubborn little heart to a place where I was willing to be open to possibilities that weren't what I'd mapped out for myself. In the Book of Mormon, there's a story of a man named Enos who goes into the woods to pray to God. He says he wrestled before God, before he was able to receive forgiveness for his sins, before he was able to really communicate with God. I wrestled a lot. I cried a lot. The closest metaphor I can think of is a metalsmith hammering out a piece of steel.

But here's what I finally realized: me having thoughts to serve a mission was only because that choice would open me up to greater happiness. God directs us in paths towards happiness, so so gently. Those thoughts I kept having weren't demands from a God intent on controlling my life and forcing me to do things I don't want to do. Instead, they were promptings, nudgings, from an infinitely kind and infinitely patient God, who was trying to show me a higher path for my life than the one I would have chosen to go down.

When I realized this and was able to hand my will over, not just in my head but in my heart, that's when things began to take shape.

I won't go into the details of the myriad (seriously. myriad) of tender kindnesses that were poured over me in this decision process. In the time I was making the decision, there were lots of moments when the anxiety and fear would bubble up in my throat and nearly choke me, and I'd have to force myself to not think about it. But in every one of those moments, there was someone or something (even if it was just a thought or a prayer) there to give me a hand up, to encourage me, to quiet my fears. 

And eventually all that fear passed. Thank heavens it passed. And it has been replaced with the sweetest of peace, about my life, about my decision, and best of all, about myself.

And you know all that stuff about not wanting to go? Let me tell you how I feel now: 180 degree turn. Now it’s all I want. A year ago, it would have been literally impossible for me to imagine myself saying that and meaning it. But I do. And isn't that the miracle of it all? That our hearts can change?

Another story (my favorite, actually) from the Book of Mormon, in one of the most beautiful metaphors I have ever known, talks about how hearts change. A man named Jared and his family are driven from their homeland. God directs them that there is a land "choice above all the lands of the earth" that He wants to carry them to. To get there though, they have to cross the ocean. So they build boats that are water-tight, top and bottom. They make airholes so when they "suffer for air" they can unstop the holes and breathe for a while. But they have a problem--no light in the vessels. 

So Jared's brother (who's spearheading this whole project) cries to the Lord and says, "I have prepared the vessels for my people, and behond there is no light in them. Behold, O Lord, wilt thou suffer that we shall cross this great water in darkness?" 

And the Lord responds, "What will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?" 

So the brother of Jared goes up to the mountain and makes 16 small, white, clear stones. And the scripture says, "he did carry them in his hands upon the top of the mount, and cried again unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, thou hast said that we must be encompassed about by the floods. ...Behold these things which I have molten out of the rock. And I know, O Lord, that thou hast all power, and can do whatsoever thou wilt for the benefit of man; therefore touch these stones, O Lord, with thy finger, and prepare them that they may shine forth in darkness; and they shall shine forth unto us in the vessels which we have prepared, that we may have light while we shall cross the sea."

So there the brother of Jared is, praying, with these 16 little stones in his hands, asking for God to touch them and make them shine with light.

And the Lord stretches out his hand and touches the stones one by one, and they shine. And Jared and his family make it across the ocean and reach the land of their inheritance, the land "choice above all other lands."

***

I guess what I'm saying is that we are all each of us on a journey to a new land, to becoming the people we were meant to be. And that journey sometimes takes us right through the heart of great and terrible tempests, of fierce and furious winds, of mountain waves, even to the very depths of the ocean. And we start this journey by bringing 16 roughhewn stones to the mountaintop and praying that they will be made light and holy, that they will carry us across this ocean to our "promised land." 

I guess what I'm saying is that I know that Jesus Christ can do that. I know He can change hearts. I know He can bring light to questions and doubts and fears that previously darkened our lives.

And that's why serving a mission for Him is the best decision I have ever made--because I will get to teach that message of hope to those who are looking for light in their journeys.


.....And Now a Word on What I've Learned and What I Believe.....
I've learned (yet again) that God is patient. I am slow to come around sometimes, slow to realize what the best paths for my life are, and then slow to get the guts to actually do them. But God is patient. He blesses all our attempts at goodness. He makes our tiny efforts overflow in benevolence and plenty.

There are no obstacles--on land, sea, or heart--that we cannot overcome through the divine and tender kindnesses of God.


I believe Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I believe the record that he translated, the Book of Mormon, is a true account, another witness of the divinity of the Savior, of his love for all people. I believe that it is through Jesus Christ that all wounds are healed. I believe that it is through Him that we become like Heavenly Father--pure as He is pure.


Learning of Jesus Christ fills me with love for others, with joy, and with solid peace in who I am and in who I am becoming.


I want to serve a mission because there are questions of the soul--the kind that keep you up at night, the kind that gnaw at who you are and call into question everything about this whole “life” thing. I have had these questions, and I have found answers to them through learning and living the gospel of Jesus Christ. And as I grow up, I realize how many people have these kinds of questions. I realize that these questions only grow deeper with age. I want to find those people who are looking for answers but don't know where to find them. I want to share what I know, in the hope that it will resonate with them and help them, as it has me.


For instance, these are some questions that the gospel of Jesus Christ has helped me answer:

  • Why should I get out of bed today?
  • How do I get over incapacitating heartbreak?
  • How do I forgive someone?
  • How do I forgive myself?
  • How do I get over xyz bad habit?
  • How come on some days I feel good about myself and on others I feel the opposite? How can I feel good about myself more consistently?
  • In this crazy over-scheduled world, what would be the best thing(s) for me to invest my time and energy in?
  • How do I know which messages (from media, friends, authority figures, and myself) I can trust and which I shouldn’t?
  • How will I measure success?
  • What lifestyle will bring me the deepest, longest-lasting joy?
  • What’s going to happen to all these beautiful relationships I have once we all die?
  • What kind of a person do I want to be?
  • How do I renew hope when all darkness gathers in around me?
  • What is the purpose of all my striving?
  • What is most important to teach my (someday) children?
  • How can I repair broken relationships?
  • Is there a God?
  • Who is He?

And now as I write this, I realize how many of you I’ve been friends with for so many years and yet have never “officially” invited to learn about these incredible things. I guess I figured if you were curious, you’d ask. So here’s my official invitation. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe this gospel was restored to the earth, for us to learn and live and love and prepare to meet Him again.

Yep. Best decision I've ever made.

43 comments:

  1. So excited for you! You are going to be an awesome messenger! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. In addition to this being wonderful just because of what you're writing about, I just love reading your writing. Congratulations on making the choice to serve; you're already an inspiration! Southern France will be so blessed to have you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh man, Andrew, I'm so blessed to have Southern France. ;) Thanks for your kind words!

      Delete
  3. This is a blog post I have bookmarked, so I can come back and read it again and again. Carolyn, this was beautiful. Thank you for writing so honestly about how life is hard and not being in control is hard and how trusting God is just so hard sometimes. Also, I love the list of what the gospel has helped you with in your life—now I feel like I need to start my own.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Emily, thank you for championing my writing and always being so encouraging of me! You're the greatest. And as for your list, let me know when you've started it. I'd love to compare notes!

      Delete
  4. Hello! We met once and talked about our blogs once, and we have a few mutual friends. And that's how I stumbled upon your blog, so when Gretchen LeCheminant told me that you were going on a mission, I checked in to see if you had written about your call. And you have. :)

    So a couple of things:
    1. Obviously, I don't know you very well, but from just reading your blog every now and then, it's plain to see that Southern France is the perfect place for you. I'm really happy that you'll be serving there. :)
    2. My favorite prophets in the scriptures are Enoch and the brother of Jared. Those 16 little stones . . . They mean so much to me.

    Anyway . . . This was a good post. Thanks for sharing. :)
    Et bonne chance pour la France! (Thank you, Google Translator.) :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh don't even act like I don't totally know who you are ;) I loved getting to know you in Austin! I still remember what you told me, too--how short lines read faster, yeah? ;)

      Thank you for writing French in your comment--I'm going to try to learn, since I have a few months and all before I leave. I think me and Google Translate are going to get really close.

      As for those 16 stones, that story has saved me on multiple occasions. I'm happy to hear it's the same with you. Other favorite? Joseph in Egypt. Read Genesis 40/41, then 45:5. ;)

      Delete
    2. Haha! Well, I'm afraid I don't make much of a first impression . . . I'm more of a behind-the-scenes kind of girl, who catches people's attention much later than the first meeting. I'm okay with that. (But now that we know we know each other, I'll read your blog openly.) :)

      Also, I just sort of assumed you already knew some French! But even if you don't at all, I'm sure you'll pick it up so quickly because excitement to learn a language is probably the biggest requirement!

      And finally, thanks for the scripture reference. I will read it later today and think of you. :)


      P.S. You didn't tell us when you are leaving!

      Delete
  5. I have been praying to go on a mission for years! I always second-guess my answers, but reading this reiterated my need to be where I am. And how jealous I am of your call! You will be incredible. I think how much faith and humility it must take to serve 5 years later than most women. How admirable you are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Hallie, how I love you. If there is anyone who would make an incredible missionary, it's you--and I know because you already are one. Everything you do brings light and joy to people. You are incredible and I love you.

      P.S. Let's backpack Europe when I get back yeah? ;) You learn Italian, I'll know French, my friend Diana is going to learn Spanish (right, D?) and together we shall conquer the Continent!!! ;)

      Delete
  6. I'm so happy for you! Seriously, this is a beautiful post and something I NEEDED to read today. I'm so glad to know you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Brighton, I'm so glad to know you too!

      Delete
  7. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Well put. Lovely words. I don't know you, but I'm so happy for this decision you've made. You took the words out of my mouth when it comes to thoughts and feelings about going on a mission. Too bad we won't be in the MTC at the same time. Best of luck as you prepare with a call. It's the most taken-care of I've ever felt from the Lord. Much admiration, Katie Webber.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Katie, where did you serve? (I'm assuming you did serve already?) I hear you do photography too...we should get together and collaborate on some projects before February!

      Delete
  8. Carolyn,

    This is well written and inspiring. Mad respect to you for serving! It will be so worth it....you don't even know. My sister went about the same age and so much good came of it for those she served. Church is true! Thank you for this post, just reading it made my day a little brighter!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dave, long time no see! How are you, my friend? Thank you for your encouraging words. I love hearing about other women who served "later" in life (as if 26 is later...), so thank you for sharing that!

      Delete
  9. Replies
    1. "Of course you are, and I'm going with you!"
      Here we go, Ray.

      Delete
  10. I am stoked for you to go to FRANCE!! That's where I REALLY wanted to serve my mission.. that and FIJI. But hurray for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So did you go to Fiji then?! My second choice probably would have been Samoa or Tahiti...we need to talk Polynesia sometime. (And thanks for your excitement!)

      Delete
  11. Woohoo!

    That is SO AWESOME. And France is perfect for you, and you for them.

    Bon Voyage!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! Thanks Scott. I'll just be that much closer to you guys...dinner party in Ukraine? That looks about halfway...

      Delete
  12. I really hope you have a blog where someone will post your letters because I have never been more intrigued to read someone's missionary letters. (because, let's get real, sometimes missionaries can be... bland.)(but not you and that deep mind!)

    And France? More proof God knows us each so well. My mission in Armenia was the perfect place for me. And from what I know of you, France is already a home waiting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You really think you'd read my missionary posts? I was wondering if it'd even be worth posting them, but Anna, if you say you'll read them, then I will do it. ;) (I think I'll had the blog-reins over to my sister and have her post them on this same here blog.)

      Armenia?! I have a vague recollection of this. We will have to talk and you can impart all of your wisdom to me. I'm serious.

      (And thank you for your support, Anna.)

      Delete
    2. I'm a fan of your writing and stories and look on life so OF COURSE I'll be reading your mission stories if they're available. And by the looks of all these comments on here I'm sure I wont be the only one.

      And if I have any "wisdom" then I will impart, but you're probably already more ready for a mission than I would be if I left tomorrow. HA.

      Regardless, let's talk and hang out. You sound busy so you let me know what times are good for you. :)

      Delete
  13. Carolyn, I had no idea you were planning on serving a mission! I know you will be so fantastic! You are so sincere, so bright, so beautiful, and so classy. Really, when we were in the ward together, I looked up to you. I'm so excited for all the wonderful people that will get to know and love Sis. Carter out there in France . ..they really will know what it's like to feel God's love. Congratulations!!! I am so so happy for you!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, thank you so much, Rebecca. That means a lot to me. I loved the time we spent together too. So glad to see you doing so well.

      Delete
  14. Wow! Congratulations Carolyn! I'm excited for France and the people there. You are amazing. -Your cousin, Angela

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Angela! Are we going to get to see you guys for Thanksgiving? Or Christmas perhaps?

      Delete
  15. Congratulations! So perfect for you. You will be a magnificent missionary!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh my goodness. Addison and I are so ecstatic for you! I cannot picture you in a more well suited place. Heavenly father knows you well! Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I couldn't agree more--I feel so so right about it. Thanks for your congratulations, and for your friendship! Hope the theatre is adoring you both (as it should be).

      Delete
  17. Someone directed me to your blog and im so happy i read it. thanks for the wonderful spirit you have to share. im so excited for you to serve. you will be wonderful.

    Todd

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Todd. :) I traced you back to your blog--what an inspiring collection you have there. Thank you for putting all that goodness out into the world.

      Delete
  18. Carolyn! You are going to be a fantastic missionary. I'm thrilled that Macsen posted this link for me to find. Like so many who've commented, I love your writing too and would really like to be included in a mission letter list if you're not able to keep your blog up while you're in France. When do you leave and which mission is that now? Mark's twin served in Toulouse back in the Stone Age.

    Félicitations et que le Seigneur vous bénisse!

    (LaShel Burningham)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LaShel! Oh my goodness. So glad you got here through Macsen too. It's the Lyon mission (the former Toulouse + Geneva missions), and I couldn't be happier. I think I'm going to have Rose post my letters on here while I'm gone, but if not, I'll be sure to include you on a mission email! Love.

      P.S. I still use the recipe book you gave me at graduation.

      Delete
  19. Carolyn! I loved this blog post. It's such a scary decision sometimes but one you'll never regret. You are going to be awesome. Also did you know that your aunt is my visiting teacher? Anyways I am so excited for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Ashley--you've always been such an inspiring figure in my life, and in this, it is no different. I'm so excited to be going, and so grateful for examples like you and Kim who chose to go too. (And yeah, I heard she was your visiting teacher! Fun!)

      Delete
  20. Your description of utterly, sublimely happy and so beautiful to me I can hardly think about it gave words to the feelings I had when John and I decided to get married. One comforting confirmation after another. Thank you! It was like visiting a long lost friend. Speaking of which, your good friend Dread will buddy up with Fear and stalk you on your mission. So keep dating Faith and Dread and Fear will have to 'hang out' elsewhere... (I read a few of your other posts) Thank you for your beautiful insights! Zuster Everton

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Aunt Carolyn. Hopefully that means that twenty years from now I will be as inspiring and giving as you and John are. I love reading your emails to the family. And thanks for the warning about Dread and Fear. It takes daily work, doesn't it? Much love.

      Delete
  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete