Tuesday, August 28, 2012

let me be frank.

Current problems in my life:

Someone named Frank put my phone number on the internet. Dumb Frank. Now all week I've been getting phone calls for him.

"Hi, is this Frank?"
"Hi, is Frank at home?"
"Hello, I'm calling for..."
Lemme guess: FRANK.

So I've started messing with these telemarketers.
"Was that Frank Lloyd Wright you wanted, or Mr. Gehry?"
"Sorry, who? Frank who? What did you say? Who do you want to talk to? Frank? Frank who? What did you say?"
And my personal fave: "Yes, this is him."

Here's what I know about Frank:
He signed up to take online college courses.
He registered for job training online.
He has no last name (at least not that anyone knows of).

I picture Frank as a 43 year old man who is actually named Anthony. Two kids, avid cyclist, believes in freedom of speech but not gun rights. Probably got bored one day at work and on a whim started signing up for classes online, trying to boost his marketability. Not that he needed to be more marketable, what with his job as a court stenographer in Indiana.

Either that...or he's a 22 yr old young man in Utah who is trying to get back at me for The Most Brilliant Prank in the World.

This is to say nothing of someone signing me up for BabyCenter.com, which = me getting weekly emails for the past four months about how my pregnancy's coming along: "38 weeks and what that means for you," "Four more weeks to go!" I was informed this morning in an all-too-perky email that my "2-month-old" is now learning to talk:

Coos are your baby's way of expressing delight, as well as exercising his vocal cords. You can carry on a "conversation" with your baby now. When he gurgles or coos, say something brief or coo back at him. Then wait for him to "say" something back to you.

First of all, my baby is a her not a him. And her name is probably Frank, so...

Other notable subject lines brought to me by BabyCenter:
"What Your Food Cravings Mean"
"Win Cord Tissue and Cord Blood Banking " (I don't even know what this means.)
"Secrets to Raising a Bright Baby"

Secret number one: actually have a baby.

I figure it's karma.

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