Thursday, August 23, 2012

the NPR Name Calculator


Now don't get me wrong--I'm all about NPR. It's one of my favorite things about driving to the bus stop every morning...nay, it is the only good thing about driving to the bus stop every morning.

But I mean, come on...are NPR correspondent names even real? Dee Dee Bridgewater? Lakshmi Singh? Starlee Kine? Yuki Noguchi? Vicki Valentine? Ira Glass? These names are too cool to be real. Everytime I start thinking, "Hey, I could work for NPR," Lakshmi Singh just has to say her name and all my fanciful aspirations come crashing down.

Either NPR only hires people with already awesome appellations (alliteration: intended), or there's something more sinister at work here....

ahem

...like THE NPR NAME CALCULATOR!!!!!!!!.

(And yes, those eight ! marks are part of the patented title.)

See, I'm pretty certain that when NPR hires you, they take you into a back room (probably one with big world maps and pictures of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World on its walls), then they plug your name into said CALCULATOR!!!!!!!! and decide if your new name is good enough--if it's worthy of being broadcast on the same airwaves as their illustrious programmes.

Now some of you may be wondering why I haven't blogged since Monday. Well, people, this is why: because I've been too busy working out the algorithm for the CALCULATOR!!!!!!!! And this I will share with you, because I love you, and because I think everyone deserves to have a name as cool as Starlee Kine.

THE NPR NAME CALCULATOR!!!!!!!!

The last vowel in your first name 
+ the last consonant in your first name 
+ the first vowel in your first name 
= NEW FIRST NAME
*if a longer first name is desired, repeat the above using your middle name's vowels and consonants. Tack on to end of new first name.

The first verb that comes to mind 
- the last letter of the verb 
+ the first three letters of the city you are currently in 
= NEW LAST NAME

I am now Yna Danchig.
(It's pronounced "I-na Dan-cheeg.")

NPR, I'm on to you. (And please note my excellent sleuthing skills--wouldn't I make a great correspondent?!) You'll be receiving my (I mean Yna's) job application shortly.

(What's your NPR name?)
photo via

20 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. With a name like that they'll send you to Norway or Iceland or somewhere cold for sure!

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  2. Yrieca Slidida (pronounced Eureka Slideeda)Thanks for this, it might have made my night :)

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  3. Oto Easta

    Hey...that's pretty good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah it is, Scott. Haven't they contact you yet? I heard they were looking for a good correspondent/squirrel expert in Kazakhstan...

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  4. Replies
    1. T, I think this is more of a magical name than an NPR name...like I'm thinking the Ministry of Magic will be sending you a letter sooooooon......

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  5. ADA JUMPRO (pronounced "A-dah Juum-proo)

    broadcasting live 24/6
    being classy
    swaggy swaggy
    etc.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BOOM baby. dang right that's got swag.

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  6. Replies
    1. Alright, Bre, you're going to have to help me pronounce this one... En plows? Eenee Plow-ES? Ayn Play-wees?

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  7. Yna Parli. Funny that we have the same first npr name!

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    Replies
    1. Well I mean what with us being kindred spirits and all, it's not THAT unexpected. ;)

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  8. Ase Carex says thanks for making my night.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Aleyfi Marctuc, getting in on this NPR action. Thanks for being so clever Yna. By the way, feel free to call me Ale (pronounced Ally, of course), but only off the air. Naturally.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ili Runninhol. (pronounced ee-lee, of course)
    Well played Ms Carolyn. Well played.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I love that my first name is Ana. Which is a lot like my real first name, Anna.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My first name is three letter i's in a row. iii

    Maybe I should pronounce that using the pronunciation used when the i's occur in my name.

    That would make me Ih-ee-ih.

    ReplyDelete