i made the pies

la la la la la

this morning, around 4 am, i woke up with perfect words and a perfect melody running through my head for a song my subconscious is trying to get me to write. this is a very frequent occurrence; in fact, it's been happening more and more frequently as of late. sometimes it's a symphony, sometimes it's a rap song (that one was interesting), sometimes it's a love song. and always i run it through my mind over and over and over again so when i wake up i'll be able to remember it and find some way to transcribe it, but come morning, it's always gone.

i've thought about keeping a tape recorder next to my bed so i can record the melodies at 4 am when my subconscious wakes me up with its songs, but i'm a little scared of listening to them once they're recorded, afraid they'll be about nothing more than cottage cheese and sidewalks. whatever that means.

packaging

today i made some already-cooked-bacon. (and by made i mean i warmed it up in the microwave.) for those of you who have never partaken of the wonder that is already-cooked-bacon, the packaging is amazing: they come in a little clear plastic tray/bag, which has a pull tab to open AND a zip-lock component, so those who do not eat the whole package in one sitting can preserve said product until a later consumption date.

it made me think about saving trees, and eating healthy, and how probably the less packaging a product requires, the better. like an apple for instance. or a steak. low packaging. better for your body.

here's my thing: people have packaging too. some people take thick plastic tray/bags and a pull tab to preserve and sell all their goods. and some people are peanut M&Ms (really, who can't resist that yellow bag, what with it's graphics and colors and clever catch-phrases). and some people are an apple. one sticker so you know what it is, and that's all. i like those kind of people--the people who are so good-for-you that they don't need fancy labels to tell you about it. the people who are simple enough and natural enough that they don't need preservatives or zip-lock components to stay fresh and delightful. the people you don't need to open a cardboard box, and a pull tab, and a zipper to get to the goodness inside. i like people like that. they make me want to simplify who i am, and stop caring so much about all the packaging the world says is important.

what i did tonight:

as virtuous men pass mildly away

lately i've been thinking on what if today's my last one. what would i feel if i were on my deathbed, and knew my "todays" were now "yesterdays", that my plans and what if's and dream-bigs were going to have to be saved for eternity, not my brief stint here on this little earth. i think a lot of things would evaporate--like the importance of being on time, like 40% off at Gap, like whether or not (fill in the blank) would ever come around and love me, like how much of me i pour into my studies and scholarly plans, like comparing and competing and running and running and running to try to measure up, to try to be good enough.

and all that would be left is who i have become

and the quiet hope that that would somehow be good enough.

i'd think about my family,

about if they know

that there is no other group of people i want to be with more,

anytime.

gathering experiences

sometimes life is so busy

and there isn't enough time to do the things i'd like to do

like write about my life.

and the poets talks about a place of serenity

as the "where" to write poems,

that it is emotion recollected in tranquility. (wimsatt & beardsley)

and that one word: recollected.

right now i'm gathering experiences,

in all these busy days,

gathering images

and conversations

and lessons learned

so one day far away,

when life is tranquil

and perhaps i have white hair

i will write my life.

it's in the air!

"i'm going to the library to study."

TRANSLATION:

"i'm going to the library to write about the holidays and holiday things and everything i love about this time of year."

all around me there are signs of the season:

christmas trees are appearing everywhere on campus. the unaware student probably has not noticed yet. but i have been anxiously watching since september for these trees to appear: i think it's a crew of older ladies who are in charge of byu's christmas trees--i see them every now and then with boxes marked "ORNAMENTS". these ladies are very clever--they don't bomb-drop the christmas decor, oh no. they are much more surreptitious about the whole thing. a tree in the corner of the cougareat. a few garlands in the bookstore. then some lights here and there. and before you know it, you're sitting in the middle of the library and before you a delightful christmas scene has unfolded, as if by magic! ten foot trees and presents and christmas lights everywhere. i love this time of year on campus. there's a chair on the fourth floor by the wall that i'll pull out and turn so it's facing the christmas tree and then i'll read there for hours, and i feel like i'm home.

100.3 has started playing christmas music!

it's supposed to snow on wednesday...which means 7-11 hot chocolate runs at midnight!

i am probably only going to write about these beautiful holiday things until january. apologies in advance, but it's all i can think about when the air is sparkling with winter and everything is merry and bright! i've been waiting since august to be able to openly listen to christmas music without being hated. the first second that my roommates give me the okay, i'm going to set up the christmas tree. and i can hardly wait for this year's hors d'huevres party!

somedays are a bullet

somedays you forget to wear underwear to school

and you're late to ballet class because you can't find parking.

somedays you drop your powder compact and it rolls across the entire locker room floor.

and a fly lands on your mouth

and you realize your five applications for next semester are due at noon,

not five,

which means you now have no time to write the paper that's due at three.

and you forgot your pen.

and there's a $2500 purchase hanging over your head.

and you ate a bunch of grapes so you have that weird post-grape nastiness in your mouth

so you reach into your bag for a mint and you have none left.

and pew!pew!pew!

just another beebee in your back.

but you dreamt about him,

and now those beebees in your back don't hurt so much

because you just got bazookad in the face.

now you wake up

and you smell him

now you wake up

and you miss him.

and your legs were hairy

and your nose kept dripping

and he told you he brought you back your pens so that means you'll never see him again.

the point: somedays you just kind of want to cry

and you need someone who doesn't care if you have bad breath

or if you park illegally

or if your work isn't perfect

because at least they knew you were trying.