i am becoming this man.

and we thought our teachers were just socially inept. as it turns out, sometimes bad things just happen to NORMAL people. like today for instance. i spilled a waterbottle of water on my pants. bet you can't guess what it looked like. i am turning into one of them. oh heavenhelpme.

skinnylove/stinkyjeans

for all those out there who know what burnt hair smells like, that is the smell of my newly acquired pair of jeans. they are gray. they are skinnyskinnyskinny. they had silver lightning bolts on the buttpockets, which hideousnesses i promptly removed (seriously? sparkly lightning bolts?).

i washed them good last night.
i dried them with good dryer sheets.
i took them out.
they still smell.

so now i'm febreezing them like no tomorrow. else all mis amigos will be deterred from my skinny love by my stinky jeans. paigey said to not let anyone lay in my lap. hamlet () said that's a fair thought. not if it smells like my skinny jeans it isn't.

the beast as bridegroom: thoughts on cupid and psyche

psyche (because of poisonous rumors from her sisters) begins to believe that the reason her husband will not allow her to see him is because he is a serpent, waiting to devour their first child the moment it is born. so vividly does psyche's imagination paint this terror that she must discover if it is true or not. that night she brings an oil lamp and dagger into the bedchamber, intending to discover her husband's true identity once he has fallen asleep, and if he be a serpent, to kill him.

when i love someone i am vulnerable. little hearsays make me wonder about his true identity. i create worlds in which what i have experienced of him has only been a guise for a cavernous darkness, for a monster bent on seducing me with kindnesses only to the purpose of eating me, using me, devouring me at some moment when i need his strength more than anything. we doubt each other. we doubt what we've experienced of each other. we let our imaginations carry us away to the point of mistrust. maybe that is one of our greatest fears--that the one perfect, most supremely beautiful thing in our lives will one day reveal itself to be nothing more than a mirage. no, worse than a mirage, a black hole. a demon disguised as an angel.

so we bring our daggers to our bedchamber, ready to strike the moment that "true" identity is revealed. with so, so much mistrust, we light our lamps after they've fallen asleep, when they are vulnerable and perfectly innocent. and we see them as they are. gods. and suddenly we have forgotten all our doubts, and are overcome with sublime love for them.

believe in what he has shown you to be. not what you fear he is.

rules for kissing

i may or may not have been thinking of the subject as of late. here's my three cents.
1. kisses should happen because you have reached a point in your relationship where you cannot express yourself beyond what has already been expressed.

2. kisses should happen not as a way to get in, but as a way to get up. not as a quick solution or hasty attempt to hold something together, but instead as a filler-- as water rushes through the veins of a plant, filling, strengthening, enlivening. like sunshine poured into your soul, filling in all the little holes and making the whole thing glow.

3. kisses should happen because you know her so well--all the quirks and faces and interests and hopes and modes of expression--and can't help but want to make her yours. not as a catalyst for determining whether or not you like someone. not as a means to make a relationship black and white, to say, "here it is; if you want it, it's available." be more than just available. anything less does not deserve the "witchcraft in your lips".

and that's the most exciting part of my day.

first, i'm on my way to dinner group right? i come down the stairs and open the front door and standing there is SOME WOMAN! WHAT IN THE WORLD?!! so i screamed! then she screamed! and we stood there screaming at each other for a few seconds.

then, i get to dinner group and mr. moon asks what the most exciting thing that happened to me today was. before i realized what was coming out of my mouth, i blurted that it was paige bringing a calendar home from school for me. pitiful? yes. oh, but wait: IT IS TITLED "READING WOMEN". ie: paintings of women reading. don't know which is more pitiful--that a calendar of women reading reminded paige of me, or that i was overjoyed upon receiving it. either way, it all adds up to me being way way too interested in books and such. soon i will be unknitting myself (SEE BELOW). like rivers cuomo. if you want to destroy my sweater....WHOAWHOAWHOA!

one little pink flower

"patience is to human nature what photosynthesis is to nature." --Neal A. Maxwell

huh. this requires some deconstructing. according to wikipedia (aka my life-fount of knowledge), photosynthesis=a metabolic pathway that converts light energy into chemical energy. Its initial substrates are carbon dioxide and water; the energy source is light; and the end-products are oxygen and (energy-containing) carbohydrates, such as sucrose, glucose or starch. This process is one of the most important biochemical pathways, since nearly all life on Earth either directly or indirectly depends on it as a source of energy.

then, patience=the pathway that converts light energy (knowledge, glory, intelligence (see D&C), perhaps even joy, enLIGHTenment, and love) into chemical energy. what is chemical energy? that upon which our life is sustained; the energy by which we grow and DO things. reworded: through our patience, the light of God is converted into our sustaining power. through patience, the light of God gives us energy to grow, to DO things, to become the little pink flower and make beautiful the small area surrounding where we have been planted (allusions&expansions of this last thought (note the bolds):

emerson: "no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till",

conor oberst: "I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health. I said "there is nothing that I can do for you that you can't do for yourself." He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help." So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt. He said, "I think I'm cured. In fact, I'm sure. Thank you stranger, for your therapeutic smile." So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone. And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow."

good friend: "everyone has a circle of influence. everytime we take a step, this circle changes. if i'm at my desk right now, i can't help that many people. I can smile and be nice to my coworkers and try to help them as much as possible. when i'm on the street, i may have the opportutnity to help more people out. maybe a quick conversation or a genuine smile will brighten up somebodies day. i can help as much as possible. i can hold a hand, just sit with that kid and look in his eyes and give him a change in his daily habit and a little help. when i'm in school, i can smile, brighten others days, do some service, and work damn hard so that one day i'll be able to broaden my influence. If i'm a millionaire, i can help so many people. i have the means to use my money to do things others can't do by themselves. if i'm a social worker, i have the authority and means to fix social problems. if i'm a teacher, i broaden the minds of kids so they are more aware of the world around them. the problem is that when we get complacent, we rot. when we want to see instant results, and they don't show up, we lose the drive to help others, and our influence shrinks til its just around us. and that makes somebody terribly depressed.").


implications?? if i am patient, then His perfect light--the knowledge and purposes that i do not understand because i am telestial, in the face of celestial light--will be transformed into something i can actually use. though the pure light is currently more than i can handle ("the light which puts out our eyes is darkness to us", "now we see through a glass darkly"), patience in God, trust in His divine intent will eventually enable me to grow such that the more complex forms i can process, i can understand. and then i will be more than a fragile plant, so transitory in the light of the divine Sun/Son--I will be able to see "face to face", to stand in His light and be able to take it (D&C about how you can't abide higher glories...). to absorb it in it's completeness, it's perfect state.

interesting, especially considering old beliefs about virtue--that it was the invisible force that pushes life-power through the roots, veins, leaves of plants. if patience is what converts God's light to a substance we can use, breaking it down, simplifying it into something our imperfect, chaotic [unrefined] bodies can process, then virtue is the force that carries that substance through us--the force that actually pushes us to higher forms (of growth, of complexity, of creation).

delving thoughts too late at night

now that i have written too/two sad, sad likenesses of poems, i can move onto other things. today was an adventure. i cared for my plants. my little garden is growing everyday. new acquisitions: one promising mint plant. on the horizon: two bromeliad buds.

saw a good friend tonight. one who's changing the world by giving and by working. makes me want to give and work more.

i feel like a windup monkey doll trying to type into this tonight. i'll have another go tomorrow.

mustaches: reconsiderations

HOWEVER
if your name is sue or jan or maude or kate or olive
better hide that nasty'stache

because that is gross.

mustaches: a poetic equation (ode to a fuzzyfriend)

of all the hair i've ever seen
the best is when it grows
in the general area
between the lip and nose.