the NPR Name Calculator

Now don't get me wrong--I'm all about NPR. It's one of my favorite things about driving to the bus stop every morning...nay, it is the only good thing about driving to the bus stop every morning.

But I mean, come on...are NPR correspondent names even real? Dee Dee Bridgewater? Lakshmi Singh? Starlee Kine? Yuki Noguchi? Vicki Valentine? Ira Glass? These names are too cool to be real. Everytime I start thinking, "Hey, I could work for NPR," Lakshmi Singh just has to say her name and all my fanciful aspirations come crashing down.

Either NPR only hires people with already awesome appellations (alliteration: intended), or there's something more sinister at work here....

ahem

...like THE NPR NAME CALCULATOR!!!!!!!!.

(And yes, those eight ! marks are part of the patented title.)

See, I'm pretty certain that when NPR hires you, they take you into a back room (probably one with big world maps and pictures of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World on its walls), then they plug your name into said CALCULATOR!!!!!!!! and decide if your new name is good enough--if it's worthy of being broadcast on the same airwaves as their illustrious programmes.

Now some of you may be wondering why I haven't blogged since Monday. Well, people, this is why: because I've been too busy working out the algorithm for the CALCULATOR!!!!!!!! And this I will share with you, because I love you, and because I think everyone deserves to have a name as cool as Starlee Kine.

THE NPR NAME CALCULATOR!!!!!!!!

The last vowel in your first name 

+ the last consonant in your first name 

+ the first vowel in your first name 

= NEW FIRST NAME
*if a longer first name is desired, repeat the above using your middle name's vowels and consonants. Tack on to end of new first name.

The first verb that comes to mind 

- the last letter of the verb 

+ the first three letters of the city you are currently in 

= NEW LAST NAME

I am now Yna Danchig.
(It's pronounced "I-na Dan-cheeg.")

NPR, I'm on to you. (And please note my excellent sleuthing skills--wouldn't I make a great correspondent?!) You'll be receiving my (I mean Yna's) job application shortly.

(What's your NPR name?)
photo via