the NPR Name Calculator

Now don't get me wrong--I'm all about NPR. It's one of my favorite things about driving to the bus stop every morning...nay, it is the only good thing about driving to the bus stop every morning.

But I mean, come on...are NPR correspondent names even real? Dee Dee Bridgewater? Lakshmi Singh? Starlee Kine? Yuki Noguchi? Vicki Valentine? Ira Glass? These names are too cool to be real. Everytime I start thinking, "Hey, I could work for NPR," Lakshmi Singh just has to say her name and all my fanciful aspirations come crashing down.

Either NPR only hires people with already awesome appellations (alliteration: intended), or there's something more sinister at work here....

ahem

...like THE NPR NAME CALCULATOR!!!!!!!!.

(And yes, those eight ! marks are part of the patented title.)

See, I'm pretty certain that when NPR hires you, they take you into a back room (probably one with big world maps and pictures of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World on its walls), then they plug your name into said CALCULATOR!!!!!!!! and decide if your new name is good enough--if it's worthy of being broadcast on the same airwaves as their illustrious programmes.

Now some of you may be wondering why I haven't blogged since Monday. Well, people, this is why: because I've been too busy working out the algorithm for the CALCULATOR!!!!!!!! And this I will share with you, because I love you, and because I think everyone deserves to have a name as cool as Starlee Kine.

THE NPR NAME CALCULATOR!!!!!!!!

The last vowel in your first name 

+ the last consonant in your first name 

+ the first vowel in your first name 

= NEW FIRST NAME
*if a longer first name is desired, repeat the above using your middle name's vowels and consonants. Tack on to end of new first name.

The first verb that comes to mind 

- the last letter of the verb 

+ the first three letters of the city you are currently in 

= NEW LAST NAME

I am now Yna Danchig.
(It's pronounced "I-na Dan-cheeg.")

NPR, I'm on to you. (And please note my excellent sleuthing skills--wouldn't I make a great correspondent?!) You'll be receiving my (I mean Yna's) job application shortly.

(What's your NPR name?)
photo via

how to get what you want

I'm not really one for breaking rules. I'm the girl who follows the recipe word for word. I worry about all sorts of imagined calamities: Are the coals completely extinguished? Is the water deep enough to jump from this bridge? Am I standing far enough away from the bottle rockets? Bottle rockets whaaaat?! I'm outta here!

On metros and planes, I read every "Warning," "Attention!", and "Instructions" sign posted, often multiple times to ensure that--should we have to make a water landing--I know exactly what to do. When the teacher says "Put your pencils down," I do it. In fact, in middle school I took Ms. Ventura so seriously when she said, "I don't want any wandering eyes" that sometimes my eyes ached after a test from making sure they stayed on that paper the entire time. And above all, I never never never trespass.

Such is my approach to life.

Yeah so maybe I don't like to have "fun." Whatever. My fun is just a tamer, less arrest- and fatal injury-seeking kind of fun.

Anyways, lately, I've decided to live dangerously...in the form of asking people for stuff that there's no way they're going to give to me.

Thus far it has yielded $75.00, four months of unlimited yoga, and the use of one bathroom in downtown Salt Lake.

And better than that, I'm noticing some pretty common trends across the board of requests that are granted. Which means getting what you want is more than just dumb luck. It's more than just eyelash-batting ability. It's actually an art form.

And this is what I've learned:

1. Context is key. Don't start your phone call or email with all of your demands. Instead, start by asking an unrelated question. Maybe you're calling to pause your service with X company while you're out of town, maybe you're writing to inquire about something. Make the primary purpose of your inquest something other than "I'm writing because I want XYZ from you." 
2. Then, almost as an afterthought to your "primary purpose", attach your request, "Oh, by the way" style.
3. Acknowledge the forces that oppose you getting what you want. This might be owning up to being in the wrong, recognizing that it would be out of their way to do XYZ for you, conceding that there are good reasons for the rules being what they are.
4. Then explain your situation. Plead your case. It helps if you are honest about your emotions here. For instance, saying "I'm so embarrassed--I can't believe I made this mistake..." can do wonders for breaking down walls.
5. Politely state your request. Keep it short.
6. Close by saying something kind. "Thanks for all you guys are doing for the community!" or "Thank you for all the time you've put into helping me out with problem A." Even closing with "Kind regards" can do a lot to fight your battle for you.

Now, an imploration to do benevolently with this knowledge. I share these not so we can manipulate each other, not so we can "pull one over" on people we owe things to. Instead, I think that everyone deep down wants to help other people. I think deep down, when people see your real intentions--that you aren't trying to manipulate or pull one over on them--they want to help you out, because they've been in your shoes before.

So here's to having more transparent hearts!

Give it a shot, then give me a shout-out. I'm curious what awesome things people will give and forgive when we use a little kindness and tact.

The Life Aquatic (with 8 Carters)

So sometimes you just need a little more super-hero in your life.  Like when we all went scuba diving and gave ourselves scuba super-hero names.  (Recommendation: if ever, ever, ever you get the chance to learn how to scuba, DO IT.  It's amazing down there.)

what a not so lovely

This is what I woke up looking like this morning.  (In case you don't know, this isn't what I normally look like when I wake up.  Or ever, really.  Actually that's not true.  One of my eyes is smaller than the other and it is especially pronounced when I wake up.  It is the same eye that used to be lazy when I was a little girl.  More on that in a future post.)

So I got out of bed, went upstairs to get ready to go to The Job that I Love So Much, and promptly passed out.  Apparently my body says no, which is probably for the best seeing as I can only see out of one eye.  It'd make The Job that I Love So Much extremely difficult, as writing and editing mostly require eyes. So now the conundrum: what to do with a day when you can't see.  I think I'll practice being blind, which happens to be one of my favorite activities.  

(A little fun fact: I tried parting my hair on the other side so there'd be less emphasis on the eye.  Rosie said I looked like Dwight Schrute.  Perfect.  Then I said, "Fine, get me an eye patch."  She did.  It has a skull and crossbones on it.  Perfect.  I will be wearing it all day.)